Moving On Up

In a shocking move, the Detroit Players sent Madden cover boy Peyton Hillis to the Ann Arbor Bamfers for their 2011 first overall pick. Along with Hillis, the Players also sent along the rights to Human Amoebas 2012 RD1 selection. The Players picked up rookie RB Mark Ingram with their selection.

"Coming off a disappointing season, we needed to switch things up. I thought this was our best move, to secure a rising star at an affordable price," GM Ariel said to the media. After compiling four winning records in a row, and back-to-back Super Bowl wins in 2006-7, the Detroit Players dipped to 6-7 last season. "Our fan base expects the best and we need to show them that we're not afraid to make moves that will return us to glory."

The Detroit Players now have a roster boasting quarterbacks Matt Ryan and Tim Tebow, up and coming receivers in Hakeem Nicks and Mike Williams, a solid tight end in Jason Witten, and a stable of rookie running backs. The Players grabbed all three highly touted rookie running backs this year -- Ingram, Ryan Williams, Daniel Thomas -- by securing three of the four top draft slots. Analysts raved over the bold maneuvers and predict another winning season ahead.

As for Hillis, he'll join a Bamfers backfield that is quite crowded at the moment. LaDainian Tomlinson is like a former child star now relegated to a supporting role in an ensemble television comedy. He's serviceable but his name carries more weight than his performance. More likely it'll be Fred Jackson starting alongside Hillis while last year's disappointing rookie, CJ Spiller, waits in the wings.

The Bamfers are coming off of consecutive four win seasons, which may sound lackluster but they are actually high points in the franchise's recent history. In the three seasons prior (2004-2006), owner/coach/GM/scapegoat Randy managed to compile only six wins total. We'll say that again. Six wins total. Suffice to say, picking near the top of the draft is not a new experience for him.

The good news is that Hillis is optimistic about leading a turnaround and quite candidly said, "Hey, I play in Cleveland, I know all about losing teams." In a breakout season, Hillis put up 1600+ combined yards and scored 13 TDs in 2010, performing as a top player. The only question this year is if he can escape The Madden Curse.

Actually, at his introductory press conference, Hillis had a question himself: "Guys, what's a bamf?!"

Sweep the Leg, Arrivederci!

We bid a fond farewell to the Cobra Kai -- formerly known as Eternia Battle Cats, West Coast StrongLikeBull, Deep Sea Fobbers. After many years in the league, Cobra Kai ownership decided to take a break from the fantasy game and the two-headed managing team of Eric and Eric quietly put their franchise up for sale. While many bids were immediately offered, there was no doubt that commissioner Alvin was looking toward foreign expansion.

Welcome the Italian Stallionz! Hailing from across the Atlantic, new owner Michael has been waiting to get a toehold on American soil for awhile. Despite growing up with the other type of "football," GM Michael has hired the best consultants and talent scouts that threats and coercion can buy. It's rumored that Michael has ties to the mob, which they have conveniently advertised by way of their team name. Subtlety is not their strong suit.

What is strong however, is the core keeper roster left behind by Cobra Kai. Tom Brady is the long time face of the franchise, and has several years left at peak form. 2009 RD3 draft pick Jamaal Charles rushed for almost 1500 yards last year. Plus he caught 45 passes for 450+ yards more, while scoring eight total touchdowns. Charles also sported a gaudy 6.4 yard rushing average. Even without full time work, Charles is a clear threat to lead the league in points this season.

Behind Charles is RB Felix Jones, who is still young and has shown flashes of an effective all around game. Brady's corps of receveivers will feature Percy Harvin, Sidney Rice, and Kenny Britt, these gamebreakers who all have deep speed and ability. With their first draft pick ever, the seventh overall in 2011, GM Michael selected Michigan's own Mario Manningham, another vertical threat. Clearly the Italian Stallionz will be showcasing a boom or bust offensive philosophy.

Under old management, this franchise compiled a 38-53 record -- a 41.8% winning percentage -- over the past seven seasons. If the Stallions can nudge themselves to above 0.500, it'll have been a successful first season. Of course, if they collapse in the standings, some front office folk could find themselves sleeping with the fishes next season.

Prime Time Needs to Shine

This unaffiliated reporter is first on the mythical waiting list and can't wait years for entrance into this storied league. He has begun a campaign of influence by starting this blog. To any owners looking to jump ship in the near future, he has this to say, "Hurry, please do it, hurry hurry!"

Notified that starting a blog may actually increase the likelihood that nobody leaves the league, this intrepid writer would like to point out that he's a one man blogging machine for a few other leagues and would be more than happy to turn those attentions toward Maize and Blue, assuming he can gain entrance. Yes, it's a simultaneous threat and a demand!

"We already have a logo, mascot, dance team, and official team stationary picked out," said a high ranking administrative assistant for the not yet constructed Dirty Birds. "It's black and red and just really contrasty, but in a good way. Our road uniforms will be top sellers for sure too."

Owner of the recently crowned NBA champion Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban had this letter of recommendation for Jon. "He'll do for Maize and Blue what I did for broadband and the NBA. He's got a history of success, he's highly motivated and determined, he's got a social media prescence, and he's got lots of free time." That was just an excerpt from the letter, the rest is five pages long.

The franchise fee is a non-factor as comic books, half broken electronics, and one carbon copy of a Barry Sanders autographed rookie card stands at the ready to be handed over in exchange for the keys to your team.

In the meantime, please direct all rumors, innuendo, and blog posts to me so I can talk about this league behind your backs, but publicly.

A Day of Mourning

With the news that Detroit Lions rookie running back Mikel Leshoure is out for the season after tearing his ACL, the Maize and Blue league have decided to take a day off to pause and reflect.

While the Lions were pre-season favorites to finish under .500, Leshoure's injury might catapult them to the top of next year's draft. In what has been a common problem for Lions running backs, Leshoure joins Kevin Smith, Jahvid Best, and somebody named Maurice Morris as recent RBs that Detroit can't keep healthy. The good news is that franchise quarterback Matthew Stafford is also injury prone.

"Damn it, I just learned how to spell 'Leshoure'" superfan Chris was quoted as saying. Another GM followed up with, "Damn it, I just learned how to spell 'Mikel!'" A sad day for all Michigan based owners of Maize and Blue, a sad day indeed.

Is Expansion a Possibility?

With the labor issues over, and the league running a surplus of billions of dollars, rumors are spreading that expansion is a widely discussed topic. "What expansion? I didn't authorize any talks about expansion!" Commissioner Alvin was quoted as saying. However, sources say that underground forces have been working to infiltrate the mighty Maize and Blue league. If sixteen teams is possible, why not eighteen or twenty, or even twenty four?

Alvin's close friend and confidante, NBA commissioner David Stern cautioned against over expansion however, as he's regretted a wave of Nineties expansions that have resulted in professional basketball teams in backwaters like New Orleans and Charlotte. "If only we had just put a franchise at 7 Championship Drive (formerly known as The Wood) back then, our league would not be having financial troubles now. Sigh."

One proposal these insurgents suggest is an A-League and a B-League, similar to how the English football soccer system works. Each year, the lowest teams from the Premier league are relegated to a lower division, while the top teams from that division are promoted up to the Premier league. This would strike fear in the hearts of unmotivated owners and give everyone extra incentive to stay out of the bottom rungs of Maize and Blue.

Better yet. In Bill Simmons' football league, the winner each year gets to boot out one owner. Is that harsh? Yes. Is that hilarious? Yes! Perhaps tournament could be set up where the losers get shunted down a level. Market research suggests such a tournament would increase ratings and revenue for Maize and Blue exponentially.

Teams and Divisions

Ba-Donka-Donk
Rhythm Drive (Reno)
Another Bad Creation (Oliver)
P Funk All Stars (Paolo)
Jedi Knights (Chris)

Vinegar Strokes
Dunder Mifflin Paper Company (Mike)
WS Tartars (Jay)
Detroit Players (Ariel)
Mandalorian Warriors (Matt)

Deez Nutz
MoRRie's Pogiboys (Alvin)
Thundercats (Cougar)
Cameltoe (Felipe)
Ann Arbor Bamfers (Randy)

7 Championship Drive
Squirtle Squad (Brian)
100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears (Jose, Jayvee)
Italian Stallionz (Michael)
Human Amoebas (Eric)

Super Bowl VII

The Squirtle Squad is no stranger to championships. Research has indicated that Brian won three in a row before the keeper era, not to mention another one five years ago. Their 2010 championship was a march toward destiny as they creamed the competition. The only real bump in their win this playoffs was in round one, when the Squirtles had a tight game versus another former champ, the 100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears. That game was decided by seven points, but Brian prevailed on the strength of Peyton Manning and Andre Johnson's combined forty six points.

After that nail biter, it was smooth sailing for the Squirtles as they upset top seed Dunder Mifflin Paper Company in the semi-finals (77-54) before facing off against Drew Brees and Brandon Lloyd in the Super Bowl. The Thundercats entered the 2010 playoffs with the lowest seed but took out every higher ranked opponent on their way to the championship game. Unfortunately, big game jitters saw their Chargers defense collapse -- negative two points -- and then Cinderella got a beat down by forty points.

With Manning leading the way, Squirtle Squad also had Adrian Peterson, Miles Austin, and a surprisingy Ryan Torain scoring big points in the finale. Andre Johnson sat on the bench due to injury but that just meant he was well rested for the after party. This championship is Brian's fifth, and if not for a Peterson fumble years ago, it could have been his sixth. Still, can we say "dynasty?"