Super Bowl XIII

Before Sweep the Leg Zabka had even played a game in Maize and Blue, new GM Alan made a pre-draft trade in 2014 for Rob Gronkowski. Three years later, Gronk led Zabka to their very first title with a team leading 14.5 points! It’s been three years, three division titles, and a sterling 26-12-1 regular season record, plus a previous Super Bowl appearance for Alan in 2015 — in which they were upset by Another Bad Creation. It took a nail biting, come from behind victory, but Sweep the Leg are finally the titans of Maize and Blue, and we are now all under threat for a league name change as Alan represents the Spartans, who are like, another color or something.

After withstanding Todd Gurley’s explosive early Sunday, Sweep the Leg looked to be in dire straits as Zabka hurtled toward a sub-80 point week for the first time in a month. However, Gronk came through, Sammy Watkins caught a touchdown to score 10.5 points, and Bears defense held strong. Heading into Monday night, Sweep the Leg was up a mere 4.5 points, with a kicker versus wide receiver matchup. Long story short, Jake Elliot fended off Nelson Agholor, handing Alan the win, and giving the higher seed the championship for the first time since 2013!

Despite a poor scoring week all around, Alan’s first title showcased all his strengths as an owner. The constant wheeling and dealing — bringing in Drew Brees and Devonta Freeman this year — the uber confidence, the deep roster of unsightly JPEGs, Alan used all the tools at his disposal to bring home the ring. Overall, Alan has shifted pieces everywhere in his search for a title. Five trades in 2014, one in 2015, two in 2016, and four separate ones this year. (He seems to specialize in turning backup quarterbacks into draft pieces, including EJ Manuel, Mike Glennon, Ryan Tannehill, Eli Manning, and Jared Goff most recently.)

And aside from moves for now-champs Gronk, Brees, and Freeman, Alan has also brought in new owners Dave and Donny this past off-season, fine additions to our league. Plus Alan’s always been vigilant about trade deadlines and schedule screw ups. It’s safe to say that Alan has made his mark on Maize and Blue, and while he may hail from an inferior school, he’s number one in Maize and Blue! Congrats Sweep the Leg Zabka, you’re officially the biggest villain now!

• #2 Sweep the Leg Zabkha (9-3-1) def #4 Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (7-6), 77.0 - 72.5

On the other side, Hungry Hungry Ouroboros had a sterling upset filled playoff run, their first in MnB, but celebrated little too early behind Gurley’s 43 points. As the entire Dallas offense wilted away, Das Prescott and Jason Witten combined for a mere 10.5 points and then to add insult to injury, the pre-playoff trade for #1 ranked Jaguars defense resulted in a -3 score in the championship game. With only Gurley and kicker Kai Fortbath scoring in double digits, Ouroboros couldn’t capitalize on Gurley’s historic fantasy playoffs and instead will take home a “thanks for playing” participation trophy and settle for the closest Super Bowl in MnB history. Wah wah.

Toilet Bowl III

#5 Team Grrrrific (4-9) vs #7 Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada
Despite some confusion about Toilet Bowl seedings, the right two teams made it to the finals: Donny’s Team Grrrrific and Mike’s Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada. Both teams had pulled off big upsets on the way to the consolation final game, but only one team had some experience here, as Mike’s squad had been to the two previous Toilet Bowl finals as well. In fact, Mike’s teams — previously Shoguns of Harlem — have been to every Toilet Bowl finals in Maize and Blue history! Alas, they haven’t actually won anything yet. Unfortunately for them, this year was no different as they lost to new owner Donny in a pretty one-sided way. (Should the two Toilet Bowl finalists get #1 and #2 overall picks the next year? I say “yes” but that’s a matter for another day…)

As for Team Grrrrific, it’s been a great year for them. After inheriting the worst team (ever?) on paper, Donny worked hard to give his team the veneer of respectability and outdid himself in every way. Breakout rookie and mid-draft trade acquisition Kareem Hunt returned to elite status just in time for the Toilet Bowl run, and Hunt led the way with 18 points for the TB finals. Jamison Crowder, Tyrod Taylor, and Jay Ajayi were also trade acquisitions this year, and combined they were the four highest scoring players for Grrrrific in Toilet Bowl III. Donny literally razed a salty franchise and then rebuilt toward a sweet Toilet Bowl win and the #1 overall pick in next year’s draft. While fellow new owner Dave / Stink Pink Gators may have the gaudy 9-4 record in his rookie year, we’re thrilled about Team Grrrrific’s future heading forward! Great job and congrats to a fantastic first year in Maize and Blue!

• #5 Team Grrrrific (4-9) def #7 Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada, 65 - 37.5

As for Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada, three straight almost-Toilet Bowl wins is nice but with nothing to show for it, they’ll have to rest easy with the thought that at least they’ll have another high pick coming next year — #3 overall — and that this year’s #2 overall, Christian McCaffrey, looks like the real deal. With just five wins in two years, this squad really needs some help to get back to 0.500.

Super Bowl Preview 2017

Since coming aboard in 2014, Alan has stamped his Sweep the Leg Zabka as a franchise to be feared. They’ve made the playoffs in every season they’ve played and reached the Super Bowl in 2015 (before getting upset by Another Bad Creation). They’ll have to look to avoid another upset as they face off in another #2 vs #4 matchup, this time versus title game neophytes Hungry Hungry Ouroboros.

Jon’s team entered Maize and Blue in 2012, taking over for the defending champs, but since then has gone 23-42 in five seasons, before finishing 7-6 this year and squeaking into the playoffs — despite losing their last three regular season games. However, once there, they’ve upset both #1 and #2 seeds in the Western Conference and might have the gas for one more victory. Let’s take a look at the matchups.

QB: Drew Brees has been steady as ever, albeit a tad less than spectacular this season, while Ouroboros’ Dak Prescott has been wildly up and down, swinging between low single digit outings and high twenties. The consistency edge has to go to Sweep the Leg here.

RB: It’s been a rotating cast of castoffs for Alan this year at running back, with their highest scoring RB being Devonta Freeman, whom they acquired in early November for the stretch run for the price of two future RD1s and a RD3. Freeman didn’t even see the field until three weeks ago but he looks poised to have a good championship game. Will he be able to match Todd Gurley’s MVP-like season? No, but he could be similarly explosive. Behind Freeman, there’s literally nobody else as Alfred Morris, Terrance West, Marlon Mack, Jonathan Stewart, Damien Williams, and Rob Kelley all had a cup of coffee this year for Zabka and all will be quietly benched.

As for Ouroboros, they have Gurley, and some success with Jerick McKinnon, and traded for Isaiah Crowell late, but it looks like rookie Joe Mixon will get the start after missing two weeks with a concussion. For a team that whiffed on two huge trades — acquiring the now injured Dalvin Cook and the inconsistent Mixon — Ouroboros’ running game is in decent shape, based on the strength of Gurley.

WR: There’s no question about it, Zabka has the edge here. Marvin Jones has quietly been a top twelve receiver and while Sammy Watkins and Kelvin Benjamin haven’t exactly thrived on their new NFL teams, they have been more than serviceable. The loss of Odell Beckham Jr early in the season hurt Alan’s team of course, but they’ve recovered well. As for Hungry, a rotating cast of boom-or-bust receivers have led them to feature Nelson Agholor, Will Fuller V, and Robert Woods for most of the season, but aside from Agholor, it hasn’t been especially dependable. Ouroboros is choosing to go with Paul Richardson over Corey Coleman or similar trash.

TE: It’s Rob Gronkowski versus Jason Witten. Haha. This is probably the matchup that gives Zabka the title this year, just saying…

K/DEF: Normally we don’t cover DEF or K that much but since Ouroboros made a special effort to trade for #1 defense, Jacksonville, a month ago, this would be the game for them to step up and prove they were worth the price. Of course, Bears defense faces of against the Browns so there’s a chance Zabka evens this edge out. The two kickers, Kai Forbath versus Jake Elliot, are basically a wash.

Prediction: Zabka by ten, and a new title holder for Maize and Blue either way!

Playoffs & Toilet Bowl 2017: RD2

Both #1 seeds from the two conferences went down, and with a thrilling #2 vs #3 match in the Eastern Conference that resulted in a one point win by the higher seeded Sweep the Leg. Let’s see who’s headed to the Super Bowl!

WESTERN CONFERENCE
• #2 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (9-4) vs #4 Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (7-6) 

EASTERN CONFERENCE
• #2 Sweep the Leg Zabkha (9-3-1) vs #4 Squirtle Squad (8-5)

As for the Toilet Bowl, we had three upsets, with only top seeded Fockers surviving against underdogs. Farewell (consolation) champagne for Team Cameltoe, Jedi Knights, and Mandalorian Warriors, it looks like Fockers could have a clear path to a top pick!

• #1 Fockers  (7-6) vs #7 Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada (2-11)
• #5 Team Grrrrific (4-9) vs #6 Italian Stallionz (4-9)

Playoffs 2017: RD1

 WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Another Bad Creation (10-3) vs #4 Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (7-6)
Tied for the best record in the league, and with their first division title since 2011, our 2015 champs are really back! (They won the title in 2015 with a losing record.) Riding a four game win streak into the playoffs, ABC is counting on Kirk Cousins and Michael Thomas to hook up for big plays, and then finish off foes with the punishing power of 2017 #1 overall Leonard Fournette.

Speaking of Fournette, who ABC traded up for, it’s fair to say that Hungry Hungry Ouroboros got the short end of the stick between Fournette (1.1) and Joe Mixon (1.4). And let’s not forget, there was also the unfortunate trade of Kareem Hunt (1.6) for Dalvin Cook (1.3) right before WK1, which blew up in GM Jon’s face immediately. But no matter, Ouroboros rode Todd Gurley and a rotating roster of nobodies to their first playoff appearance, albeit as the lowest seed on the table. Prediction: Upsetsville!

#2 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (9-4) vs #3 Ann Arbor Bamfers (7-6)
After making the Super Bowl last season, and wining their third straight division title — making eleven total — regular season success is now old hat for Pogiboys. A pre-draft trade for Matt Ryan mostly worked out, and a late season move for Larry Fitzgerald was spectacular. With premium options like DeAndre Hopkins, LeSean McCoy, and Travis Kelce at WR/RB/TE, Pogiboys is poised for another deep playoff run.

The Bamfers stumbled through a bad WK9-11 but came back with two strong wins at the end of the year to play their way into the playoffs. They’ll face off against the team that bounced from last season’s post-season again, and hope they can pull off the upset this time around behind Philip Rivers and Melvin Gordon. Thank goodness it’s an away game though, as Bamfers probably get more support on the road if they’re anything like the real Chargers.


EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears (10-3) vs #4 Squirtle Squad (8-5)
Back-to-back 10-3 seasons, two years of the best record in the league (tied this season), and a ninth division title. Yawn… Pooh Bears were upset in the first round last year after two years in the Toilet Bowl — including a Toilet Bowl win in 2015 — so they’re hoping for a return to their post-season winning ways too. However, with a Ezekiel Elliot suspension finally enacted, it could be a weak point despite a roster that boasts Antonio Brown, Brandin  Cooks, Mike Evans, and Cam Newton. (Imagine if David Johnson and Deshaun Watson hadn’t been hurt…)

Squirtle isn’t afraid of top seeded Pooh Bears because they already stomped on them in WK13, which gave them a playoff berth — after missing out last year. Can Brian’s team double down and ride Tom Brady, a finally healthy Keenan Allen, and the rookie stylings of surprise best rookie RB Alvin Kamara to a huge first round upset? With five straight wins under their belt, Squirtles are the hottest team in the league and are poised as a dark horse.

#2 Sweep the Leg Zabkha (9-3-1) vs #3 Stink Pink Gators (9-4)
One team led the league in points scored with almost exactly 100 points per week, the other had the softest schedule in the conference — plus a crucial tie to give them the division title. The latter team is Sweep the Leg Zabkha, who is now on a streak of back-to-back-to-back division titles and is looking for another Super Bowl appearance after getting to the big game two years ago. With their only three losses coming against fellow top teams this season — including a WK11 loss to Stink Pink — there’s a possibility that Sweep the Leg is good but not quite great. And with Rob Gronkowski suspended for the week, it could be an uphill battle for this “favorite.”

As for Stink Pink, they racked up multiple weekly $5 wins and are riding a strong four game win streak into the playoffs. With an explosive offense headed by underrated Mark Ingram, MVP candidate Carson Wentz, and ROY challenger Adam Thielen, rookie owner Dave’s powerhouse team led the league in scoring and are the real threat coming out of Green and White division despite being an underdog -- and could take out the owner that brought them into Maize and Blue in the first place! Looks like the success of Detroit Players carries on in Stink Pink Gators!

Toilet Bowl 2017: RD1

#1 Fockers (7-6) vs #8 P Funk All Stars (2-11)
The defending champs got booted from a proper title defense on the last day of the regular season. Longtime franchise quarterback, Andrew Luck, was a no show all season and the roller coaster of Carson Palmer, Josh McCown, and Ryan Fitzpatrick doomed this team to a Toilet Bowl berth. Still, Fockers have a winning record and are poised to win the whole damn thing, which would be a nice consolidation prize.

After a surprise playoff showing last season, P Funk showed that their 9-4 2016 record was a fluke, as they sunk back to familiar 2-11 form — four of their last six seasons have ended up with only two wins. Of course, one of their two wins this season was a WK9 win versus Fockers so there’s an outside chance at a Toilet Bowl upset here... Note: We're not sure why P Funk gave up on Amari Cooper so fast, but GM Paolo must have a plan in mind!

#2 Team Cameltoe (6-7) vs #7 Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada (2-11)
As the only Big House division team to not make the playoffs, Team Cameltoe would love a long Toilet Bowl run to show their fans that they’re progressing past some up and down seasons. Russell Wilson and Julio Jones are a top flight QB-WR connection and a top draft pick would really help Cameltoe re-establish their ground game. Cross your fingers for some Cameltoe magic!

It’s now just five total wins in two seasons for Mike’s team, and here’s hoping that trend reverses. Rookie Christian McCaffrey has been a bright spot as the year moved on but an 0-7 start to the season followed by four straight losses to end have Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada looking to escape pod out of 2017 and toward next season.

#3 Jedi Knights (5-8) vs #6 Italian Stallionz (4-9)
The once powerful Jedi are officially weak and scattered throughout the universe. We thought last year’s 4-9 record was an aberration after four straight post-season showings, but Jedi are officially off the map as contenders. Given their massive PF-PA disparity (793 PA vs 1015 PA) this season, it’s actually impressive Chris piloted this team to five wins.

It’s now three straight seasons in the Toilet Bowl for Stallionz -- and they were the top seed last year -- and their fans are pretty fed up. A tough last month of games sunk Porta’s squad to bottom — not to mention the loss of Aaron Rodgers just as he was traded for, and a plethora of other injuries. Tyreek Hill led this team in points scored, which was good and bad, as Hill was spectacular but often boom-or-bust. Can Stallionz get a Toilet Bowl win to redeem their season after trading away Devonta Freeman for a slew of picks?

#4 Mandalorian Warriors (4-8-1) vs #5 Team Grrrrific (4-9)
Speaking of teams that were once great but now are suffering, Mandalorian Warriors were once the toast of the league but have gone from two six win seasons in 2015-6 to only four wins this year — including a 1-7 record to end the season. Their title from 2012 seems far away doesn’t it? Of course, GM Matt has been proactive about moving veterans for draft picks — farewell Aaron Rodgers and Larry Fitzgerald — and a rebuild could be quick if some luck and Toilet Bowl success is in their future.

Donny inherited one of the most inept situations in the league for his rookie season and basically tread water with a 4-9 record but we have to look at their non-record wins here. The trade for Kareem Hunt was a success, even if Hunt tailed off dramatically, and there’s a good chance that three of their other trade acquisitions, Jamison Crowder, Jay Ajayi, and Marcus Mariota, will stick around for upside potential. A long rebuild is likely ahead for Team Grrrrific but Donny can afford to be patient as he continues to make young orientated trades.

Power Rankings 2017

PLAYOFF TEAMS 
1. 100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears (10-3) - Ohana Division Champion. Best overall record. Wins tiebreak vs ABC via H2H.
2. Another Bad Creation (10-3) - The Knights Who Say Ni Division Champion.
3. Sweep the Leg Zabka (9-3-1) - Green and White Division Champion. Next best overall record.
4. MoRRie’s Pogiboys (9-4) - The Big House Division Champion. Wins tiebreak vs Gators via H2H.
5. Stink Pink Gators (9-4) - Next best overall record.
6. Squirtle Squad (8-5) - Next best overall record.
7. Ann Arbor Bamfers (7-6) - Wins tiebreak vs Ouroboros via H2H.
8. Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (7-6) - Next best overall record.

NON-PLAYOFF TEAMS 
1. Fockers (7-6) - Best overall record amongst non-playoff teams.
2. Team Cameltoe (6-7) - Next best overall record.
3. Jedi Knights (5-8) - Next best overall record.
4. Mandalorian Warriors (4-8-1) - Next best overall record.
5. Team Grrrrific (4-9) - Wins tiebreak vs Stallionz via H2H
6. Italian Stallionz (4-9) - Next best overall record.
7. Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada (2-11) - Wins tiebreak vs All Stars via Total Points For
8. P Funk All Stars (2-11) - Next best overall record.

Final Standings 2017

Full Standings Detail

West / Red: Knights Who Say Ni

Team Grrrrific (4-9)
It’s gonna be an uphill battle for new owner Donny as he inherited a keeper core of Isaiah Crowell, Matt Forte, Kenny Britt, Pierre Garcon, and Spencer Ware. See any current or potential stars in there? Noooope! As a veteran fantasy player though, GM Donny went right to work, flipping a future pick for Jamison Crowder and thus getting some intriguing youth for the future. In the draft, he took Dalvin Cook at 1.3, followed that up with draft and semi-stash rookie Mike Williams in RD2, and then started working to get some competitive players on-board in the form of Darren McFadden, Chris Hogan, Eric Ebron, Jay Cutler, Jason Witten, and Giovani Bernard. Injuries have been both kind and mean to Grrrrific, as Julian Edelman’s season ending injury now gives Hogan an increased role. On the other hand, Spencer Ware is now out for the season. Of course, the night before NFL started, Donny made a trade of Cook and Jay Cutler for 1.6 Kareem Hunt and Tyrod Taylor, and then Hunt went on to have the greatest fantasy debut in history. So if Hunt can emerge as a star, Team Grrrrific’s rebuilding prospects just got much better. Can they challenge for a playoff spot this year? Let’s find out!

Jedi Knights (4-9)
Chris’ team went the first eight years of Maize and Blue without winning a division title. Then he ripped off four straight from 2012-15, while also accruing the highest regular season wins twice during that span. Unfortunately, 2016 was a down year as Knights stumbled to just four wins and might be heading into a downturn with after achieving so much regular season success and yet just one post-season win. With no pick until RD3 this year — and many more high picks still due to Another Bad Creation for the Marshawn Lynch trade — Jedi will have to be creative while climbing back to respectability. Eli Manning is a shocking thirty-six years old and Chris drafted both Brian Hoyer and 2017 #2 Mitchell Trubisky to lead this franchise into the future.  Future Trubisky will have TY Hilton, Emmanual Sanders, and Greg Olsen to throw to, plus Danny Woodhead and 3.4 pick Theo Riddick to throw to out of the backfield. Knights also drafted rookie Cooper Kupp, and “prove it soon” youngish veterans like CJ Prosise, Kenny Stills, and Eli Rogers. With Eli Manning starting to age — Peyton Manning was a mainstay for Jedi during their successful runs — it could be time for a total rebuild here.

Another Bad Creation (8-5)
With four first round picks this year, four more next year, and three more in 2019 and 2020 each, ABC has the brightest future of any franchise. As the champ just two years ago, Another Bad Creation is poised to rule Maize and Blue for years if GM Oliver can play his cards right. While ABC hasn’t won the division since 2012, we feel a change coming. As the historical leader in division titles for Knights Who Say Ni, we see ABC padding those numbers soon. And now, 2017 #1 pick Leonard Fournette joins the fold after Oliver moved up in the draft. Fournette immediately becomes the franchise back and he’ll team with rich man Kirk Cousins to lead a stable of young guns. Michael Thomas and Terrelle Pryor both had substantial rookie seasons, oft-injured Stefon Diggs and Tyler Lockett both always intrigue, and if healthy, Jordan Reed is a force at tight end. While Bilal Powell, rookie Samaje Perine, and TJ Yeldon don’t exactly project well if Fournette goes down, ABC will have plenty of shots in future drafts to find another franchise runner. Who traded Oliver all those damn picks?!

P Funk All Stars (9-4)
After a pair of 2-11 seasons, P Funk came out of nowhere to grab their second division title — their first was in 2005 — and brought themselves back into the conversation. Of course, Paolo’s team has done this before. From 2009-2015, they won one game twice, two games three times, and had a five and eight win season stuck in-between there. So is P Funk finally for real? With two RD1 picks, they grabbed Marshawn Lynch at 1.7, touchdown machine Mike Gillislee at 1.14, and then went on a run of young guys with rookies Evan Engram, DeShone Kizer, and Curtis Samuel in subsequent rounds — plus Taywan Taylor in RD8. The youth movement dovetails nicely with this keeper core, as Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are a fantastic foundation to build on. Paolo will need Ameer Abdullah to stay healthy, Carr to return from his own injury, and find some other receiver pieces between DeVante Parker, Donte Moncrief, or Laquon Treadwell to step up as the rookies season. With Beast Mode added to Oakland, we’ll see if the Raiders and P Funk All Stars are for real or not…

East / Blue: Ohana

Squirtle Squad (4-9)
It’s been a couple of up and down years for Squirtles, as they dropped back down to four wins after winning the division in 2015 — coming off a 4-9 year in 2014. (Their 2010 title feels like so long ago!) Brian’s team has struggled with consistency and is now historically the worst team in the traditionally tough Ohana division. Squirtles were hit hard by injuries last year but now everyone is healthy. Tom Brady will probably retire after NE’s Thursday showing and that means Jimmy Garoppolo better get ready to step up for Squirtles and Patriots. Adrian Peterson is a MVP candidate, oh wait, probably not. Yup, it’s time for this team to undergo a rebuild. And GM Brian knows it as he went heavy with rookies in the draft with top ranked receiver Corey Davis, Alvin Kamara  at 2.5, tight end David Njoku, and then Chris Carson in four straight picks. Young vets John Brown, De’Angelo Henderson, and George Kittle join the team too but if Keenan Allen and Martinis Bryant can stay healthy, all the young guys will get time to grow into their roles. Lamar Miller, Zach Miller, and Allen Robinson are around too, but their upside is limited. Looks like Squirtles is committing to the future and they could have some time before they become championship relevant again.

Italian Stallionz (6-7)
Speaking of relevant, Stallionz is having a bit of that problem themselves. With no division titles ever, three losing seasons in their last four, Porta’s fanbase is looking for some hope. And hope is here! In the form of Tyreek Hill, one of the most exciting NFL players around, and when paired with future stars Marcus Mariota and Devonta Freeman, the Italian horses could be on the move. Well, hopefully. Porta’s hoping the Williams’, Jamaal and Joe (of GB and SF respectively) will help add some additional oomph to his ground game should Freeman or his Falcons backup Tevin Coleman slow down. Old vet Brandon Marshall moves ahead of young talent Sterling Shepard, which could make Shepard another year away. But hey, Michael Crabtree and Marshall can teach him a lot of things right? Overall, Stallionz are stuck in on/off mediocrity and they’re hoping the mix of old vets, a few promising youngsters, and the immortal Ted Ginn can get them over the hump.

Fockers (7-6)
Dracarys! Our defending champs have already declared their repeat guarantee and has spent the whole off-season reminding everyone within earshot that Fockers were the title holders. “Where’s my ring?!” Hong loves to remind us. Another title could be hard to achieve with Andrew Luck out for an unspecified amount of time and Carson Palmer will need to hold the fort until Luck can return. Of course, LeVeon Bell, Dez Bryant, Demaryius Thomas, and Jimmy Graham are all in their prime players who give Fockers one of the best keeper cores around. Adding Davante Adams at 1.10 will only bolster the lineup even more. We don’t actually know who else is on this roster but will it ultimately matter? Fockers are here to talk shit and win games and as they proved last season, they’re a team to be feared when the stakes are high. LONG LIVE FOCKKKKKKK.

100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears (10-3)
It’s been awhile since Jose and Jayvee’s last title. Three long years. For a franchise accustomed to ultimate success, that is just too long. With only one losing season in their last seven — plus four division titles — Pooh Bears continues to win games, move assets to get more assets, and showcase a stellar winning percentage (62.7%) that has them tied with ABC for best regular season W/L/T total in Maize and Blue. Last year’s 10-3 squad was a return to form after two non-playoff seasons and Pooh Bears boasts the best player in the game: David Johnson. Add in last year’s rookie sensation Ezekiel Elliot (now able to play), Antonio Brown, Mike Evans, Brandin Cooks, and a slew of future picks, we see no end in sight to J’s future. A proper tight end needs to be found, and Cam Newton needs to regain his fantasy form, but this is the leading contender for 2017’s championship, make no doubt about it. Let’s see if Pooh Bears can win a title this year to tie ABC for three, and then also beat out ABC for best historical regular season wins.

East / Gold: Green and White

Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada (3-10)
Back with yet another new name, Mike is going back to the past with a stellar Last Starfighter reference. It’s been a bad two years for XKDA and they matched their franchise worst 3-10 record from 2006 with last season’s three win effort. If you’re wondering, yes that was the worst record in the league. This year’s version will still be piloted by Matt Stafford and he’ll still have Jeremy Maclin, Alshon Jeffery, and Kyle Rudolph to throw to, but the biggest new weapon will be 2017 #2 overall pick Christian McCaffrey, of whom much is expected. If McCaffrey can be as explosive as advertised, he’ll steady bring some pizzazz to the roster, and perhaps give Xur a shot at getting out of the Toilet Bowl depths. There’s plenty of intriguing young talent from Mike’s draft — Thomas Rawls, Zay Jones, rookie Lions’ giant receiver Kenny Golladay, JuJu Smith-Schuster, and maybe even a resurgent shot of Jamaal Charles, now in Denver. We’re a little concerned about the double defense drafting of Patriots (6.1) and Packers (10.1) but if defense wins championships then XKDA is on the right track!

Mandalorian Warriors (6-7)
The Warriors have seen better days. With a division leading five division titles in their history, as well as back-to-back Super Bowl appearances in 2011-2, plus a title in 2012, Matt has certainly established himself as an owner to be feared. Well, at least until the last three years, where Warriors are clearly on a downward and rebuilding trajectory. The good news is that Mandalorians never die — they just get cloned — and their last three year stretch without a post-season appearance resulted in the aforementioned glory years of 2011-13. The path back to the top starts with Aaron Rodgers at the helm, and he’s flanked by DeMarco Murray behind him. However, the season ending injury to Julian Edelman certainly hurts, depriving Warriors of their best receiving threat. Larry Fitzgerald is still on hand to catch a lot of balls but he’s no longer a top option. With no first round pick this year, Warriors went kicker very early (2.7) and then Cardinals defense in RD3 (3.8). Matt seems to be rolling the dice on the likes of Marquise Goodwin, Jack Doyle, Cole Beasley, Willie Snead, and the like to carry his team back toward contention. Will this be the end of the three year downswing? Or will the Warriors rise again?

Stink Pink Gators (7-6)
New owner Dave is positioned to build from a position of strength as Detroit Players haven’t had a losing season in four years and have a storied history including back-to-back titles in 2007-08. The Gators are tied with Warriors with the best overall historical record in the division — both are 91-76-2 — and could gain a nice bragging edge here with a winning season. Last year’s squad upset top seeded 100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears in the first round but was dispatched by eventual champion Fockers in the conference finals. But that’s all old history now! Dave inherited a core of Jameis Winston, AJ Green, Mark Ingram, Jarvis Landry, and Zach Ertz and then drafted receiver turned running back Ty Montgomery, Paul Perkins, rookie receivers Adam Thielen and John Ross, and then some youngish vets like Wendell Smallwood, Kendall Wright, Marqise Lee, C.J. Fiedorowicz, and Chris Thompson. Stink Pink Gators will clearly be future focused but they can still be mighty competitive even as Dave quickly finds his footing in Maize and Blue.

Sweep The Leg Zabka (9-4)
Our #2 power ranked team last season — and back-to-back division champ — got upended by Fockers in the first round last year, dashing their title hopes. Since taking the league by storm since his entrance in 2014, Alan has gone 8-5, 8-5, and 9-4 in his three seasons. And now he’s brought some reinforcements in old frenemies Dave and Donny! (Donny is in the West Conference while both Alan and Dave are in the East, which could potentially set up an all Spartan Super Bowl one day…) Zabka will still be powered by the Drew Bree’s and Odell Beckham Jr duo, and now with hopefully healthy seasons from Rob Gronkowski, Sammy Watkins, and Kelvin Benjamin, there’s no question this an all air offensive — spare receiver Jameson Crowder was even traded pre-draft. But who will run for these guys? Last year it was Latavius Murray and Jonathan Stewart splitting time and now Stewart is back via draft although the week one starter looks to be Terrance West. Alan knows he needs a sturdier running game and went heavy with five of them in the draft — Rob Kelley, Marlon Mack, Eddie Lacy, Stewart again, and D’Onta Freeman. Can this team stay healthy enough to take Zabka over the top, or will injuries derail their championship hopes yet again?

West / White: The Big House

Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (4-9)
Since taking over in 2012, Jon has gone 5-8, 5-8, 4-9, 5-8, and 4-9. This after inheriting a 9-3-1 team that had just won a Super Bowl. With no winning record, no post-season appearances, and nary a franchise player on-board, it’s fair to question if Ouroboros has been the worst replacement franchise ever. And on the heels of last year’s disastrous season, GM Jon traded away Matt Ryan, last season’s NFL MVP, for a pittance pre-draft. But hey, Ouroboros are great at being active on the trade wire! And here we go again, as Jon launches yet another rebuild, this one involving trading away the 2017 #1 overall pick — at least Ouroboros has won a Toilet Bowl — and then made a few more moves to push again into the top of the draft.

At the end of the day, Ouroboros moved Matt Ryan, Cameron Meredith, Leonard Fournette (1.1), 2017 RD2 (2.3 - OJ Howard), and 2018 RD1 for Joe Mixon (1.4), 2017 RD1 (1.6 - Kareem Rush), 2018 RD1, and 2020 RD4. Post-draft, there was also a Kareem Rush and Tyrod Taylor (3.3) for Dalvin Cook (1.3) and Jay Cutler (6.2) trade that already looks uneven on the heels of Rush’s incredible 40+ point season debut. Sigh. Ouroboros will fight for a winning record behind Dak Prescott, Jay Ajayi, Todd Gurley — 2015’s trade up from 1.4 to 1.1 — and a stable of unproven receivers in Corey Coleman, Kevin White, and Hunter Henry. Sound promising? Noooope! But at least Korean kicker Younghoe Koo will add interest to this perpetual bottom dweller.

Team Cameltoe (5-8)
After a tough 16-34-2 four year stretch from 2010-13, it looked like Felipe had righted the ship again with two straight playoff appearances and a division title in 2014 — albeit with a losing 6-7 record — and would continue to surge back into contention. Instead, Team Cameltoe slipped back to five wins and right into the Toilet Bowl with a late season swoon. The good news is that Cameltoe has a solid threesome of Russell Wilson, breakout sophomore star Jordan Howard, and the incomparable Julio Jones to anchor his team. Jordy Nelson also had a huge bouceback season and adds a fourth bonafide star to the team. If CJ Anderson can return from his injury, Cameltoe could easily re-challenge for the division lead.

However, past trades have hamstrung Cameltoe’s draft, as they only had one pick in the first four rounds (Eric Decker at 3.6) and that forced Felipe to fill out his roster with “used to have buzz” characters like Jacquizz Rodgers, Coby Fleener, Tavon Austin, Charles Clay, and Trevor Siemian. Well, maybe not the last one, as a post-draft trade brought in Jared Goff for the backup quarterback job. Still, if the big four can stay healthy and either Anderson or currently suspended Doug Martin can pick up their game, we see this team moving right back into the playoffs.

Ann Arbor Bamfers (9-4)
Boasting the lowest historical win percentage in Maize and Blue isn’t exactly a badge of honor — 63-105-1, 37.3% — but Bamfers were hampered by a three year stretch where they had a combined six wins total. Bamfers have not been terrible aside from those seasons, and have even appeared in the back-to-back playoffs in 2012 and 2013. But nobody except friends and family of Randy could have expected a franchise record 9-4 season last season and the Ann Arbor fan base remains optimistic but wary. Can Philip Rivers, Melvin Gordon, Frank Gore, Golden Tate, and Delanie Walker bring Bamfers to the playoffs once again?

Randy certainly seems to think so, as Bamfers look to be in win-now mode, taking Randall Cobb and DeSean Jackson with their first two picks, and (despite missing out on a third rounder) nabbed a defense and kicker in RD4&5. We like this push for respectability, as Bamfers are one of only two franchisse to have never won a division title — the other franchise is Italian Stallionz. Let’s hope later round picks Latavius Murray, Taylor Gabriel, Jeremy Hill, Charles Sims, and Allen Hurns can help Bamfers along as push for that elusive Big House banner, as they almost had one last year, but lost out on a divisional record tie-break.

MoRRie’s Pogiboys (9-4)
Our highest historical winning team also resides in this division, as Pogiboys have taken 66.9% of their games over the years. They’re officially back in championship form after a down 2014 and have added two more division titles to an awe inspiring total of ten! Of course, Pogiboys haven’t won a championship in all this time, despite all of their success. In fact, both of their Super Bowl appearances have resulted in blowouts and it’s got to infuriate Alvin that his team is perpetually just a hair away.

Some changes were made pre-draft, as Pogiboys acquired Matt Ryan, a now injured Cameron Meredith, and Doug Baldwin to bolster their keeper core. They’ll team with LeSean McCoy, DeAndre Hopkins, and Travis Kelce to get Alvin yet another shot at a title. Blake Bortles was last season’s Super Bowl starter for Pogiboys and while he was redrafted, he’ll be replaced at the helm by Ryan, who should be an upgrade. Working without a RD1 pick due to the McCoy trade, Alvin took back Duke Johnson, and then followed up with Jonathan Williams, Rishard Matthews, DeAndre Washington, rookies ArDarius Stewart, Gerald Everett, and Matt Breida. We’re not sure if that’ll all add up an elusive ring for Alvin but there’s no doubt Pogiboys will just keep on winning, and keep on hoping their luck extends all the way through to a parade. Just promise not to retire on top Alvin, we need you as commissioner extraordinaire!

Draft Review & Pre-Draft Trades 2017

Um, we don’t have time for a proper draft review, but it was an exciting time as we saw a whopping seven trades pre/mid-draft, and we also saw the #1 overall pick traded! There were also two preseason trades, giving us a whopping nine moves before the 2017 season has even begun!

• #212: Morrie’s Pogiboys receive Matt Ryan and Cameron Meredith from Hungry Ouroboros for Pogiboys 2020 RD4
• #213: Pooh Bears receive Pogiboys RD1 for Doug Baldwin, Pooh Bears 2017 RD8, RD9, RD10
• #214: Sweep the Leg Zabka receive Jedi Knight 2017 RD7 for Zabka 2017 RD8, RD9, RD10
• #215: Jedi Knights receive Carlos Hyde from Pooh Bears for Jedi 2022 RD2
• #216: Team Grrrrific receive Jameson Crowder from Sweep the Leg Zabka for Team Grrrrific 2020 RD4
• #217: Hungry Ouroboros receive Cameltoe 2017 RD1 (1.6) from Pooh Bears for Ouroboros 2017 RD2 (2.3) and 2018 RD1
• #218: Another Bad Creation receive Leonard Fournette from Hungry Ouroboros for Joe Mixon and 2018 RD1 pick (second earliest of ABC’s 2018 picks)
• #219: Team Cameltoe receive Jared Goff, Zabka's 2018 RD9 from Sweep the Leg Zabka for Cameltoe 2018 RD8
• #220: Hungry Ouroboros receive Dalvin Cook, Jay Cutler from Team Grrrrific in exchange for Kareem Hunt, Tyrod Taylor

For the most part, it was Pogiboys, Ouroboros, and Grrrrific making multiple moves as Pogiboys picked up a new starting quarterback, Matt Ryan, and a new keeper receiver in Doug Baldwin. Pre-keeper declarations, Jedi Knights swooped in to grab Carlos Hyde while Donny made his first move in acquiring Jameson Crowder for a cheap price. And then Ouroboros went to work, trading down from #1 to #4, and then trading again to grab the #6 overall pick as well. — and then making a move to trade that #1.6, Kareem Hunt, in exchange for #1.3, Dalvin Cook after the draft. All in all, an exciting time and we look forward to many more trades this season!

Keeping in line with our diminishing draft reviews by round — we only looked at three last season — we’re gonna just go through the first two rounds here.

ROUND ONE
Rookie running backs were all the rage this year, as Leonard Fournette, Christian McCaffrey, Dalvin Cook, and Joe Mixon went off the board in short order to Another Bad Creation (trade-in), Shoguns of Harlem, Team Grrrrific, and Hungry Hungry Ouroboros respectively. The only rookie receiver to see any love was Corey Davis at 1.5 (Squirtle Squad) and in fact, no other receiver even went until Davante Adams at 1.10 to Fockers. Eleven of the top fourteen picks were running backs, which broke the record of ten running backs drafted in the first round, from 2015.

P Funk All Stars took the gamble on Marshawn Lynch at 1.7, and then it was a pair of Green Bay running backs, rookie Jamaal Williams by Italian Stallionz and Ty Montgomery by Stink Pink Gators afterwards. Green Bay was a popular first round destination as Ann Arbors took Randall Cobb with 1.12 too.

With four picks in the first round, resulting from an incredibly Celtics/Nets type trade a few years ago, Another Bad Creation not only moved up for Fournette but also nabbed Bilal Powell, rookie Samaje Perine, and yet another Packer, new tight end Martellus Bennett. Cleaning up the bottom of the round was 100 Acre Wood Bears, who scooped up rookie quarterback Deshuan Watson with the last pick in the round.

ROUND TWO
And as usual, 100 Acre Pooh Bears had a bunch of extra picks in the early rounds, this time concentrated in RD2, with picks 2.3 (OJ Howard), 2.6 (Ben Roethlisberger), 2.10 (Austin Hooper), and 2.16 (Tyrell Williams). The rich keep getting richer right? And Pooh Bears wasn’t the only team with multiple picks, as the previously named Shoguns of Harlem — now Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada — CGIed themselves into Thomas Rawls at 2.1 and then Mike Wallace with 2.4. Mandalorian Warriors poached New England with their two picks, with James White at 2.11 and our first kicker, Stephen Gostkowski all the way up at 2.7 — a full two rounds above where the first kicker tends to go.

Team Grrrrific grabbed semi-injured rookie Mike Williams early on, a smooth move considering their rebuilding plans, and fellow rookie Alvin Kamara was taken three picks later by Squirtle Squad. With a strong crop of offensive rookies, we saw them fly off the board in the early rounds this draft, including our second rookie TE in Evan Engram (P Funk All Stars, 2.14). Some rookies from last year went early too, like Sterling Shepard, Paul Perkins, and the aforementioned Austin Hooper. All three flashed promise last year but will need more seasoning. Perhaps their sophomore season will be their breakout year?

Relative old man DeSean Jackson — the third oldest player drafted in the first two rounds behind Lynch and Wallace — signals Ann Arbor Bamfers desire to stay in title contention this season. Duke Johnson by Morrie’s Pogiboys and Rob Kelley by Sweep the Leg Zabka are both in questionable playing time arrangements, but could work out.

And here concludes our quick draft review, onto individual teams and divisions! Thanks for completing our CBS draft in record time and thanks to Alvin again for setting up all the behind the scenes stuff, which is incredibly time consuming!

New Owners: Monsters Manual

There haven’t been a lot of turnover in Maize and Blue, as membership has stayed mostly steady over the years. Alan came abroad in 2014, defending champion Hong in 2013 (initially in a co-ownership role), Jon in 2012, and before that Porta in 2011. Back then, this very blog posited some expansion possibilities — really just a transparent ploy by me to get in — because it was such a long wait to crash into Maize and Blue. But this year, with just a few hours to go before the scheduled keeper declaration, we had not one but two owners drop out, citing personal reasons and a desire for more family time — or was it CTE studies and a spate of early NFL retirements also contributing to the cause?!

While we’re sad to see two original owners go in Ariel (Detroit Players) and Reno (Original Salt), we’re excited for some new blood to enter the fray. Yes, Dave and Donny are Michigan State folk but hey, until we have a battle royale for naming rights, this league still wears maize, and um, more maize. At least everyone is a Lions supporter right, right?! Haha, Lions...

Both Dave and Donny are serious fantasy veterans and came with Alan’s stamp of approval — with thankfully no GIFs — and from what I can gather, will be seriously competitors immediately. Dave will be taking over for a Players franchise that has gone 28-22-2 in the last four years, with three playoff appearances during that same span. They even boast the only the only back-to-back titles in modern MnB history, with 2007-08 being their repeat years. A few years ago we made a case that Detroit Players could be considered one of the greatest MnB franchises based on that fact alone, so that's a nice pedigree. Later on, we’ll delve into the team that Dave inherited, but it’s clear that there’s a strong tradition of winning to uphold here. Welcome Stink Pink Gators!

On the other end of the spectrum, the Original Salt franchise (formerly Rhythm Drive) has been a little less successful. A combined five year record of 21-44, a history of in-season mismanagement, and a fan base that has been screaming for a change at the top. After being one of the stronger teams in MnB’s early history, Original Salt really fell off the tracks after 2011. Then again, they did win an astonishing title in 2014, in an upset playoff run that shocked the nation and gave hope to every underdog forever. That 6-7 team snuck into the playoffs and then proceeded to show MnB what a focused — and slightly lucky — Salt franchise was capable of. With new owner Donny exuding confidence and experience, we foresee a quick rebuild and a return to glory for Team Grrrrific — that’s four “R’s” to engrave onto a future trophy, if you please.

The nice thing about having two owners enter together is that there’s a built-in rivalry. Stink Pink Gators and Team Grrrrific will always be mentioned together, like Biggie and Tupac, Magic and Bird, Peyton Manning and Ryan Leaf. (Oops on that last one, whom Dave admitted to selecting over Manning during their rookie season.) Beyond that, Dave and Donny have been playing fantasy football together — with Alan — since the mid/late Nineties. Well placed sources say that Donny has tended to get the better of Dave during their extensive history, but Donny’s champioship breakthrough came in 2012, after sixteen long years of fantasy playing. Of course, if we’re counting XFL championships, then Dave is the reigning king, with a 2001 XFL title behind MVP Tommy Maddox! Let's see if our new D&D duo can reign atop Maize and Blue and take us one step closer to ultimate doom: "Spartan teams are never beaten, all through the game they fight; fight for the only colors, green and white." Somebody go squat on greenandwhiteleague.com right now...

Draft Order 2017

1. Shoguns of Harlem (3-10)
2. Original Salt (4-9)
3. Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (4-9)
4. Jedi Knights (4-9)
5. Squirtle Squad (4-9)
6. Team Cameltoe (5-8)
7. Mandalorian Warriors (6-7)
8. Italian Stallionz (6-7)
9. Detroit Players (7-6)
10. *Fockers (7-6)
11. Another Bad Creation (8-5)
12. Ann Arbor Bamfers (9-4)
13. MoRRie's Pogiboys (9-4)
14. P Funk All Stars (9-4)
15. Sweep the Leg Zabka (9-4)
16. 100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears (10-3)