ROUND ONETo start things off, we go with two time champs 100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears, who had an astonishing four first rounders this season, including the #1 overall after winning MnB’s inaugural Toilet Bowl. He nabbed inarguably the most coveted rookie running back in recent memory in Ezekiel Elliot (1.1) and then possibly got the best first-year receiver Sterling Shepard (1.6) too. With picks 1.12 and 1.14, he scooped up Antonio Gates and last year’s breakout Doug Baldwin. That’s quite the haul. Considering last year’s three first round selections turned up Duke Johnson, Charles Johnson, and Chris Ivory, we can expect at least one or two keepers to emerge from 100AW Pooh Bear’s 2016 draft class.
The only other team with two first-rounders was Ann Arbor Bamfers, who shored up their passing attack with rookie Josh Doctson (1.4) and Michael Floyd (1.10). Both could emerge as quality keepers, competing with holdover Golden Tate for the starting receiver slots. And rookie wides were hot selections on draft day, as P Funk All Stars opted for Minnesota’s Laquon Treadwell as the first receiver off the board, followed by Doctson, Corey Coleman (1.5, Hungry Hungry Ouroboros), and Shepard all within the first six picks. It’s likely that some of these guys will bust but it’s clear that this year’s rookie RBs were underwhelming.
Still, Italian Stallionz and Shoguns of Harlem are expecting big things from rookies Devontae Booker (1.7) and Derrick Henry (1.8) respectively, as both have the potential to get lots of touches this year. I guess Porta just needed another Devonta(e) to replace the one he just traded... Big body Derrick Henry could be pressed for duty soon, as Arian Foster is brittle and well, brittle.
Last year, Original Salt came in second-to-last overall in the regular season and their prize is Jonathan Stewart (1.3), who hasn’t played a full season since, well, maybe ever? Will Reno regret not aiming for a younger back with more upside? Time will tell.
The rest of the draft looked like this: Defending champ Another Bad Creation nabbed Jordan Mathews (1.9), Detroit Players took the just injured Dion Lewis (1.11), while last year’s Super Bowl runner-up Sweep the Leg got Matt Jones (1.13), and MoRRie’s Pogiboys watched one-time franchise leader Tom Brady (1.15) go to Squirtle Squad one pick before him, enabling him to clean up the first round with Duke Johnson (1.16).
Teams left out of the first round: Jedi Knights, Team Cameltoe, Fockers, and Mandalorian Warriors.
ROUND TWOIf you were in the market for a starting quarterback — or maybe were on auto-draft — Round Two was your round as Ben Roethlisberger (2.2), Carson Palmer (2.7), Kirk Cousins (2.9), Paxton Lynch (2.11), and Tyrod Taylor (2.15) all went off the board. That sets up quarterback battles for Original Salt (Roethlisberger vs Teddy Bridgewater), Detroit Players (Lynch vs James Winston, last year’s RD2 selection), and Squirtle Squad (Taylor vs Brady, post-suspension). Kirk Cousins will serve as Another Bad Creation’s lead guy again after not being kept despite winning a title last year — although 5.9 selection Jay Cutler may have something to say about that. Curiously, Pooh Bears already have Cam Newton on-board but drafted Carson Palmer pretty high too. Better safe than sorry?
We like Mandalorian Warriors taking DeMarco Murray (2.6) and Willie Snead (2.14) for their two selections, and either or both could have keeper worthy seasons. And in no surprise, TE lover Fockers took Jimmy Graham (2.5) with his first 2016 selection, replacing Gates as his long-beloved.
Retread busts from last year went aplenty in this round too, with Ryan Mathews (2.1), Jay Ajayi (2.4), the aforementioned Murray, Ameer Abdullah (2.10), and Rashad Jennings (2.13). All of these guys were deemed high upside at one point last season but now have had reality set in a bit. Here’s hoping one or two of them push back into the spotlight. Abdullah especially, could be salty after being drafted fourth overall by hometown Detroit Players last season, and then unceremoniously dumped.
Second year receiver Sammie Coates (2.16) could be poised for a breakout, operating in a talent Steelers offense, at least that’s what Pogiboys is hoping. Similarly, Original Salt is hoping Marvin Jones (2.3) is the receiver that takes up the Megatron slack in Detroit, and not Golden Tate. The lone rookie receiver to be taken in RD2 was Tyler Boyd, by Shoguns at 2.12. Last year’s RD2 saw a lot of veteran receivers taken, but this year RD2 was mostly about upside!
ROUND THREEWe didn’t see any DSTs picked until RD4 last season but P Funk All Stars immediately grabbed Panthers with 3.1, setting up Seahawks at 3.3 (Ann Arbor Bamfers), Cardinals (3.12), and Broncos at 3.16 (Italian Stallionz). Four defenses outnumbered the number of running backs drafted in this round, as Original Salt ended up with Charles Sims (3.2), Hungry Ouroboros took rookie DeAndre Washington (3.4), and Warriors grabbed Christine Michael (3.10) hoping he emerges as Beast Mode’s replacement. Totally unbiased but we think Washington is the clear winner here. Ahem.
As for oldie receivers, here are new Raider Michael Crabtree (3.6, Stallionz), DeSean Jackson (3.7, 100AW), and TE Dwayne Allen (3.15, Squirtle). While all could produce, we much prefer the selections of young’uns like Travis Benjamin (Shoguns), Michael Thomas (ABC), and Tajae Sharp (Players). Why not swing for upside this early? Then again, the boom-bust potential of young receivers is scary.
Fockers took Brock Osweiler (3.5) to carry Andrew Luck’s game day book, Sweep the Leg will use Ryan Tannehill (3.13) to motivate Andy Dalton, and auto-draft Joe Flacco (3.14) gets the honor of being Team Cameltoe’s first 2016 selection, and can look forward to bye week action when Russell Wilson sits down. Also, shout out to Jedi Knights, who incredibly didn’t have a pick in the 2016 draft until RD5, which ended up being Mohamed Sanu at 5.12.
Note: Unverified reports are that Knights have moved 2016 RD2, 2017 RD1 & 2, 2018 RD1 & 2 & 4, and firsts from 2019, 2020, and 2021 for Shane Vereen, Marshawn Lynch, and Eli Manning. Somebody get in a time machine and take those trades back!
Let’s congratulate us all on a very speedy and efficient draft. The best decision Alvin ever made was to use CBS to draft for the league, as that implemented hard timers and gave us all a wonderful draft experience. Also, thanks to Alvin for doing all the hard work inputting keepers and draft trades. It’s a part time job, trust me!
Also, last year we saw some major in-draft bombshells but this year was a little quieter, minus a move for Eli Manning, plus the exchange of Devonta Freeman and Allen Hurns for DeAndre Hopkins and a 2018 RD2. Wait, that's a huge trade! We'll get into that later....
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