Super Bowl XIII

Before Sweep the Leg Zabka had even played a game in Maize and Blue, new GM Alan made a pre-draft trade in 2014 for Rob Gronkowski. Three years later, Gronk led Zabka to their very first title with a team leading 14.5 points! It’s been three years, three division titles, and a sterling 26-12-1 regular season record, plus a previous Super Bowl appearance for Alan in 2015 — in which they were upset by Another Bad Creation. It took a nail biting, come from behind victory, but Sweep the Leg are finally the titans of Maize and Blue, and we are now all under threat for a league name change as Alan represents the Spartans, who are like, another color or something.

After withstanding Todd Gurley’s explosive early Sunday, Sweep the Leg looked to be in dire straits as Zabka hurtled toward a sub-80 point week for the first time in a month. However, Gronk came through, Sammy Watkins caught a touchdown to score 10.5 points, and Bears defense held strong. Heading into Monday night, Sweep the Leg was up a mere 4.5 points, with a kicker versus wide receiver matchup. Long story short, Jake Elliot fended off Nelson Agholor, handing Alan the win, and giving the higher seed the championship for the first time since 2013!

Despite a poor scoring week all around, Alan’s first title showcased all his strengths as an owner. The constant wheeling and dealing — bringing in Drew Brees and Devonta Freeman this year — the uber confidence, the deep roster of unsightly JPEGs, Alan used all the tools at his disposal to bring home the ring. Overall, Alan has shifted pieces everywhere in his search for a title. Five trades in 2014, one in 2015, two in 2016, and four separate ones this year. (He seems to specialize in turning backup quarterbacks into draft pieces, including EJ Manuel, Mike Glennon, Ryan Tannehill, Eli Manning, and Jared Goff most recently.)

And aside from moves for now-champs Gronk, Brees, and Freeman, Alan has also brought in new owners Dave and Donny this past off-season, fine additions to our league. Plus Alan’s always been vigilant about trade deadlines and schedule screw ups. It’s safe to say that Alan has made his mark on Maize and Blue, and while he may hail from an inferior school, he’s number one in Maize and Blue! Congrats Sweep the Leg Zabka, you’re officially the biggest villain now!

• #2 Sweep the Leg Zabkha (9-3-1) def #4 Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (7-6), 77.0 - 72.5

On the other side, Hungry Hungry Ouroboros had a sterling upset filled playoff run, their first in MnB, but celebrated little too early behind Gurley’s 43 points. As the entire Dallas offense wilted away, Das Prescott and Jason Witten combined for a mere 10.5 points and then to add insult to injury, the pre-playoff trade for #1 ranked Jaguars defense resulted in a -3 score in the championship game. With only Gurley and kicker Kai Fortbath scoring in double digits, Ouroboros couldn’t capitalize on Gurley’s historic fantasy playoffs and instead will take home a “thanks for playing” participation trophy and settle for the closest Super Bowl in MnB history. Wah wah.

Toilet Bowl III

#5 Team Grrrrific (4-9) vs #7 Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada
Despite some confusion about Toilet Bowl seedings, the right two teams made it to the finals: Donny’s Team Grrrrific and Mike’s Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada. Both teams had pulled off big upsets on the way to the consolation final game, but only one team had some experience here, as Mike’s squad had been to the two previous Toilet Bowl finals as well. In fact, Mike’s teams — previously Shoguns of Harlem — have been to every Toilet Bowl finals in Maize and Blue history! Alas, they haven’t actually won anything yet. Unfortunately for them, this year was no different as they lost to new owner Donny in a pretty one-sided way. (Should the two Toilet Bowl finalists get #1 and #2 overall picks the next year? I say “yes” but that’s a matter for another day…)

As for Team Grrrrific, it’s been a great year for them. After inheriting the worst team (ever?) on paper, Donny worked hard to give his team the veneer of respectability and outdid himself in every way. Breakout rookie and mid-draft trade acquisition Kareem Hunt returned to elite status just in time for the Toilet Bowl run, and Hunt led the way with 18 points for the TB finals. Jamison Crowder, Tyrod Taylor, and Jay Ajayi were also trade acquisitions this year, and combined they were the four highest scoring players for Grrrrific in Toilet Bowl III. Donny literally razed a salty franchise and then rebuilt toward a sweet Toilet Bowl win and the #1 overall pick in next year’s draft. While fellow new owner Dave / Stink Pink Gators may have the gaudy 9-4 record in his rookie year, we’re thrilled about Team Grrrrific’s future heading forward! Great job and congrats to a fantastic first year in Maize and Blue!

• #5 Team Grrrrific (4-9) def #7 Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada, 65 - 37.5

As for Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada, three straight almost-Toilet Bowl wins is nice but with nothing to show for it, they’ll have to rest easy with the thought that at least they’ll have another high pick coming next year — #3 overall — and that this year’s #2 overall, Christian McCaffrey, looks like the real deal. With just five wins in two years, this squad really needs some help to get back to 0.500.

Super Bowl Preview 2017

Since coming aboard in 2014, Alan has stamped his Sweep the Leg Zabka as a franchise to be feared. They’ve made the playoffs in every season they’ve played and reached the Super Bowl in 2015 (before getting upset by Another Bad Creation). They’ll have to look to avoid another upset as they face off in another #2 vs #4 matchup, this time versus title game neophytes Hungry Hungry Ouroboros.

Jon’s team entered Maize and Blue in 2012, taking over for the defending champs, but since then has gone 23-42 in five seasons, before finishing 7-6 this year and squeaking into the playoffs — despite losing their last three regular season games. However, once there, they’ve upset both #1 and #2 seeds in the Western Conference and might have the gas for one more victory. Let’s take a look at the matchups.

QB: Drew Brees has been steady as ever, albeit a tad less than spectacular this season, while Ouroboros’ Dak Prescott has been wildly up and down, swinging between low single digit outings and high twenties. The consistency edge has to go to Sweep the Leg here.

RB: It’s been a rotating cast of castoffs for Alan this year at running back, with their highest scoring RB being Devonta Freeman, whom they acquired in early November for the stretch run for the price of two future RD1s and a RD3. Freeman didn’t even see the field until three weeks ago but he looks poised to have a good championship game. Will he be able to match Todd Gurley’s MVP-like season? No, but he could be similarly explosive. Behind Freeman, there’s literally nobody else as Alfred Morris, Terrance West, Marlon Mack, Jonathan Stewart, Damien Williams, and Rob Kelley all had a cup of coffee this year for Zabka and all will be quietly benched.

As for Ouroboros, they have Gurley, and some success with Jerick McKinnon, and traded for Isaiah Crowell late, but it looks like rookie Joe Mixon will get the start after missing two weeks with a concussion. For a team that whiffed on two huge trades — acquiring the now injured Dalvin Cook and the inconsistent Mixon — Ouroboros’ running game is in decent shape, based on the strength of Gurley.

WR: There’s no question about it, Zabka has the edge here. Marvin Jones has quietly been a top twelve receiver and while Sammy Watkins and Kelvin Benjamin haven’t exactly thrived on their new NFL teams, they have been more than serviceable. The loss of Odell Beckham Jr early in the season hurt Alan’s team of course, but they’ve recovered well. As for Hungry, a rotating cast of boom-or-bust receivers have led them to feature Nelson Agholor, Will Fuller V, and Robert Woods for most of the season, but aside from Agholor, it hasn’t been especially dependable. Ouroboros is choosing to go with Paul Richardson over Corey Coleman or similar trash.

TE: It’s Rob Gronkowski versus Jason Witten. Haha. This is probably the matchup that gives Zabka the title this year, just saying…

K/DEF: Normally we don’t cover DEF or K that much but since Ouroboros made a special effort to trade for #1 defense, Jacksonville, a month ago, this would be the game for them to step up and prove they were worth the price. Of course, Bears defense faces of against the Browns so there’s a chance Zabka evens this edge out. The two kickers, Kai Forbath versus Jake Elliot, are basically a wash.

Prediction: Zabka by ten, and a new title holder for Maize and Blue either way!

Playoffs & Toilet Bowl 2017: RD2

Both #1 seeds from the two conferences went down, and with a thrilling #2 vs #3 match in the Eastern Conference that resulted in a one point win by the higher seeded Sweep the Leg. Let’s see who’s headed to the Super Bowl!

WESTERN CONFERENCE
• #2 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (9-4) vs #4 Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (7-6) 

EASTERN CONFERENCE
• #2 Sweep the Leg Zabkha (9-3-1) vs #4 Squirtle Squad (8-5)

As for the Toilet Bowl, we had three upsets, with only top seeded Fockers surviving against underdogs. Farewell (consolation) champagne for Team Cameltoe, Jedi Knights, and Mandalorian Warriors, it looks like Fockers could have a clear path to a top pick!

• #1 Fockers  (7-6) vs #7 Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada (2-11)
• #5 Team Grrrrific (4-9) vs #6 Italian Stallionz (4-9)

Playoffs 2017: RD1

 WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Another Bad Creation (10-3) vs #4 Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (7-6)
Tied for the best record in the league, and with their first division title since 2011, our 2015 champs are really back! (They won the title in 2015 with a losing record.) Riding a four game win streak into the playoffs, ABC is counting on Kirk Cousins and Michael Thomas to hook up for big plays, and then finish off foes with the punishing power of 2017 #1 overall Leonard Fournette.

Speaking of Fournette, who ABC traded up for, it’s fair to say that Hungry Hungry Ouroboros got the short end of the stick between Fournette (1.1) and Joe Mixon (1.4). And let’s not forget, there was also the unfortunate trade of Kareem Hunt (1.6) for Dalvin Cook (1.3) right before WK1, which blew up in GM Jon’s face immediately. But no matter, Ouroboros rode Todd Gurley and a rotating roster of nobodies to their first playoff appearance, albeit as the lowest seed on the table. Prediction: Upsetsville!

#2 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (9-4) vs #3 Ann Arbor Bamfers (7-6)
After making the Super Bowl last season, and wining their third straight division title — making eleven total — regular season success is now old hat for Pogiboys. A pre-draft trade for Matt Ryan mostly worked out, and a late season move for Larry Fitzgerald was spectacular. With premium options like DeAndre Hopkins, LeSean McCoy, and Travis Kelce at WR/RB/TE, Pogiboys is poised for another deep playoff run.

The Bamfers stumbled through a bad WK9-11 but came back with two strong wins at the end of the year to play their way into the playoffs. They’ll face off against the team that bounced from last season’s post-season again, and hope they can pull off the upset this time around behind Philip Rivers and Melvin Gordon. Thank goodness it’s an away game though, as Bamfers probably get more support on the road if they’re anything like the real Chargers.


EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears (10-3) vs #4 Squirtle Squad (8-5)
Back-to-back 10-3 seasons, two years of the best record in the league (tied this season), and a ninth division title. Yawn… Pooh Bears were upset in the first round last year after two years in the Toilet Bowl — including a Toilet Bowl win in 2015 — so they’re hoping for a return to their post-season winning ways too. However, with a Ezekiel Elliot suspension finally enacted, it could be a weak point despite a roster that boasts Antonio Brown, Brandin  Cooks, Mike Evans, and Cam Newton. (Imagine if David Johnson and Deshaun Watson hadn’t been hurt…)

Squirtle isn’t afraid of top seeded Pooh Bears because they already stomped on them in WK13, which gave them a playoff berth — after missing out last year. Can Brian’s team double down and ride Tom Brady, a finally healthy Keenan Allen, and the rookie stylings of surprise best rookie RB Alvin Kamara to a huge first round upset? With five straight wins under their belt, Squirtles are the hottest team in the league and are poised as a dark horse.

#2 Sweep the Leg Zabkha (9-3-1) vs #3 Stink Pink Gators (9-4)
One team led the league in points scored with almost exactly 100 points per week, the other had the softest schedule in the conference — plus a crucial tie to give them the division title. The latter team is Sweep the Leg Zabkha, who is now on a streak of back-to-back-to-back division titles and is looking for another Super Bowl appearance after getting to the big game two years ago. With their only three losses coming against fellow top teams this season — including a WK11 loss to Stink Pink — there’s a possibility that Sweep the Leg is good but not quite great. And with Rob Gronkowski suspended for the week, it could be an uphill battle for this “favorite.”

As for Stink Pink, they racked up multiple weekly $5 wins and are riding a strong four game win streak into the playoffs. With an explosive offense headed by underrated Mark Ingram, MVP candidate Carson Wentz, and ROY challenger Adam Thielen, rookie owner Dave’s powerhouse team led the league in scoring and are the real threat coming out of Green and White division despite being an underdog -- and could take out the owner that brought them into Maize and Blue in the first place! Looks like the success of Detroit Players carries on in Stink Pink Gators!

Toilet Bowl 2017: RD1

#1 Fockers (7-6) vs #8 P Funk All Stars (2-11)
The defending champs got booted from a proper title defense on the last day of the regular season. Longtime franchise quarterback, Andrew Luck, was a no show all season and the roller coaster of Carson Palmer, Josh McCown, and Ryan Fitzpatrick doomed this team to a Toilet Bowl berth. Still, Fockers have a winning record and are poised to win the whole damn thing, which would be a nice consolidation prize.

After a surprise playoff showing last season, P Funk showed that their 9-4 2016 record was a fluke, as they sunk back to familiar 2-11 form — four of their last six seasons have ended up with only two wins. Of course, one of their two wins this season was a WK9 win versus Fockers so there’s an outside chance at a Toilet Bowl upset here... Note: We're not sure why P Funk gave up on Amari Cooper so fast, but GM Paolo must have a plan in mind!

#2 Team Cameltoe (6-7) vs #7 Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada (2-11)
As the only Big House division team to not make the playoffs, Team Cameltoe would love a long Toilet Bowl run to show their fans that they’re progressing past some up and down seasons. Russell Wilson and Julio Jones are a top flight QB-WR connection and a top draft pick would really help Cameltoe re-establish their ground game. Cross your fingers for some Cameltoe magic!

It’s now just five total wins in two seasons for Mike’s team, and here’s hoping that trend reverses. Rookie Christian McCaffrey has been a bright spot as the year moved on but an 0-7 start to the season followed by four straight losses to end have Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada looking to escape pod out of 2017 and toward next season.

#3 Jedi Knights (5-8) vs #6 Italian Stallionz (4-9)
The once powerful Jedi are officially weak and scattered throughout the universe. We thought last year’s 4-9 record was an aberration after four straight post-season showings, but Jedi are officially off the map as contenders. Given their massive PF-PA disparity (793 PA vs 1015 PA) this season, it’s actually impressive Chris piloted this team to five wins.

It’s now three straight seasons in the Toilet Bowl for Stallionz -- and they were the top seed last year -- and their fans are pretty fed up. A tough last month of games sunk Porta’s squad to bottom — not to mention the loss of Aaron Rodgers just as he was traded for, and a plethora of other injuries. Tyreek Hill led this team in points scored, which was good and bad, as Hill was spectacular but often boom-or-bust. Can Stallionz get a Toilet Bowl win to redeem their season after trading away Devonta Freeman for a slew of picks?

#4 Mandalorian Warriors (4-8-1) vs #5 Team Grrrrific (4-9)
Speaking of teams that were once great but now are suffering, Mandalorian Warriors were once the toast of the league but have gone from two six win seasons in 2015-6 to only four wins this year — including a 1-7 record to end the season. Their title from 2012 seems far away doesn’t it? Of course, GM Matt has been proactive about moving veterans for draft picks — farewell Aaron Rodgers and Larry Fitzgerald — and a rebuild could be quick if some luck and Toilet Bowl success is in their future.

Donny inherited one of the most inept situations in the league for his rookie season and basically tread water with a 4-9 record but we have to look at their non-record wins here. The trade for Kareem Hunt was a success, even if Hunt tailed off dramatically, and there’s a good chance that three of their other trade acquisitions, Jamison Crowder, Jay Ajayi, and Marcus Mariota, will stick around for upside potential. A long rebuild is likely ahead for Team Grrrrific but Donny can afford to be patient as he continues to make young orientated trades.

Power Rankings 2017

PLAYOFF TEAMS 
1. 100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears (10-3) - Ohana Division Champion. Best overall record. Wins tiebreak vs ABC via H2H.
2. Another Bad Creation (10-3) - The Knights Who Say Ni Division Champion.
3. Sweep the Leg Zabka (9-3-1) - Green and White Division Champion. Next best overall record.
4. MoRRie’s Pogiboys (9-4) - The Big House Division Champion. Wins tiebreak vs Gators via H2H.
5. Stink Pink Gators (9-4) - Next best overall record.
6. Squirtle Squad (8-5) - Next best overall record.
7. Ann Arbor Bamfers (7-6) - Wins tiebreak vs Ouroboros via H2H.
8. Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (7-6) - Next best overall record.

NON-PLAYOFF TEAMS 
1. Fockers (7-6) - Best overall record amongst non-playoff teams.
2. Team Cameltoe (6-7) - Next best overall record.
3. Jedi Knights (5-8) - Next best overall record.
4. Mandalorian Warriors (4-8-1) - Next best overall record.
5. Team Grrrrific (4-9) - Wins tiebreak vs Stallionz via H2H
6. Italian Stallionz (4-9) - Next best overall record.
7. Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada (2-11) - Wins tiebreak vs All Stars via Total Points For
8. P Funk All Stars (2-11) - Next best overall record.

Final Standings 2017

Full Standings Detail