East / Blue: Ohana

Squirtle Squad (4-9)
It’s been a couple of up and down years for Squirtles, as they dropped back down to four wins after winning the division in 2015 — coming off a 4-9 year in 2014. (Their 2010 title feels like so long ago!) Brian’s team has struggled with consistency and is now historically the worst team in the traditionally tough Ohana division. Squirtles were hit hard by injuries last year but now everyone is healthy. Tom Brady will probably retire after NE’s Thursday showing and that means Jimmy Garoppolo better get ready to step up for Squirtles and Patriots. Adrian Peterson is a MVP candidate, oh wait, probably not. Yup, it’s time for this team to undergo a rebuild. And GM Brian knows it as he went heavy with rookies in the draft with top ranked receiver Corey Davis, Alvin Kamara  at 2.5, tight end David Njoku, and then Chris Carson in four straight picks. Young vets John Brown, De’Angelo Henderson, and George Kittle join the team too but if Keenan Allen and Martinis Bryant can stay healthy, all the young guys will get time to grow into their roles. Lamar Miller, Zach Miller, and Allen Robinson are around too, but their upside is limited. Looks like Squirtles is committing to the future and they could have some time before they become championship relevant again.

Italian Stallionz (6-7)
Speaking of relevant, Stallionz is having a bit of that problem themselves. With no division titles ever, three losing seasons in their last four, Porta’s fanbase is looking for some hope. And hope is here! In the form of Tyreek Hill, one of the most exciting NFL players around, and when paired with future stars Marcus Mariota and Devonta Freeman, the Italian horses could be on the move. Well, hopefully. Porta’s hoping the Williams’, Jamaal and Joe (of GB and SF respectively) will help add some additional oomph to his ground game should Freeman or his Falcons backup Tevin Coleman slow down. Old vet Brandon Marshall moves ahead of young talent Sterling Shepard, which could make Shepard another year away. But hey, Michael Crabtree and Marshall can teach him a lot of things right? Overall, Stallionz are stuck in on/off mediocrity and they’re hoping the mix of old vets, a few promising youngsters, and the immortal Ted Ginn can get them over the hump.

Fockers (7-6)
Dracarys! Our defending champs have already declared their repeat guarantee and has spent the whole off-season reminding everyone within earshot that Fockers were the title holders. “Where’s my ring?!” Hong loves to remind us. Another title could be hard to achieve with Andrew Luck out for an unspecified amount of time and Carson Palmer will need to hold the fort until Luck can return. Of course, LeVeon Bell, Dez Bryant, Demaryius Thomas, and Jimmy Graham are all in their prime players who give Fockers one of the best keeper cores around. Adding Davante Adams at 1.10 will only bolster the lineup even more. We don’t actually know who else is on this roster but will it ultimately matter? Fockers are here to talk shit and win games and as they proved last season, they’re a team to be feared when the stakes are high. LONG LIVE FOCKKKKKKK.

100 Acre Wood Pooh Bears (10-3)
It’s been awhile since Jose and Jayvee’s last title. Three long years. For a franchise accustomed to ultimate success, that is just too long. With only one losing season in their last seven — plus four division titles — Pooh Bears continues to win games, move assets to get more assets, and showcase a stellar winning percentage (62.7%) that has them tied with ABC for best regular season W/L/T total in Maize and Blue. Last year’s 10-3 squad was a return to form after two non-playoff seasons and Pooh Bears boasts the best player in the game: David Johnson. Add in last year’s rookie sensation Ezekiel Elliot (now able to play), Antonio Brown, Mike Evans, Brandin Cooks, and a slew of future picks, we see no end in sight to J’s future. A proper tight end needs to be found, and Cam Newton needs to regain his fantasy form, but this is the leading contender for 2017’s championship, make no doubt about it. Let’s see if Pooh Bears can win a title this year to tie ABC for three, and then also beat out ABC for best historical regular season wins.