West / White: The Big House

Hungry Hungry Ouroboros (4-9)
Since taking over in 2012, Jon has gone 5-8, 5-8, 4-9, 5-8, and 4-9. This after inheriting a 9-3-1 team that had just won a Super Bowl. With no winning record, no post-season appearances, and nary a franchise player on-board, it’s fair to question if Ouroboros has been the worst replacement franchise ever. And on the heels of last year’s disastrous season, GM Jon traded away Matt Ryan, last season’s NFL MVP, for a pittance pre-draft. But hey, Ouroboros are great at being active on the trade wire! And here we go again, as Jon launches yet another rebuild, this one involving trading away the 2017 #1 overall pick — at least Ouroboros has won a Toilet Bowl — and then made a few more moves to push again into the top of the draft.

At the end of the day, Ouroboros moved Matt Ryan, Cameron Meredith, Leonard Fournette (1.1), 2017 RD2 (2.3 - OJ Howard), and 2018 RD1 for Joe Mixon (1.4), 2017 RD1 (1.6 - Kareem Rush), 2018 RD1, and 2020 RD4. Post-draft, there was also a Kareem Rush and Tyrod Taylor (3.3) for Dalvin Cook (1.3) and Jay Cutler (6.2) trade that already looks uneven on the heels of Rush’s incredible 40+ point season debut. Sigh. Ouroboros will fight for a winning record behind Dak Prescott, Jay Ajayi, Todd Gurley — 2015’s trade up from 1.4 to 1.1 — and a stable of unproven receivers in Corey Coleman, Kevin White, and Hunter Henry. Sound promising? Noooope! But at least Korean kicker Younghoe Koo will add interest to this perpetual bottom dweller.

Team Cameltoe (5-8)
After a tough 16-34-2 four year stretch from 2010-13, it looked like Felipe had righted the ship again with two straight playoff appearances and a division title in 2014 — albeit with a losing 6-7 record — and would continue to surge back into contention. Instead, Team Cameltoe slipped back to five wins and right into the Toilet Bowl with a late season swoon. The good news is that Cameltoe has a solid threesome of Russell Wilson, breakout sophomore star Jordan Howard, and the incomparable Julio Jones to anchor his team. Jordy Nelson also had a huge bouceback season and adds a fourth bonafide star to the team. If CJ Anderson can return from his injury, Cameltoe could easily re-challenge for the division lead.

However, past trades have hamstrung Cameltoe’s draft, as they only had one pick in the first four rounds (Eric Decker at 3.6) and that forced Felipe to fill out his roster with “used to have buzz” characters like Jacquizz Rodgers, Coby Fleener, Tavon Austin, Charles Clay, and Trevor Siemian. Well, maybe not the last one, as a post-draft trade brought in Jared Goff for the backup quarterback job. Still, if the big four can stay healthy and either Anderson or currently suspended Doug Martin can pick up their game, we see this team moving right back into the playoffs.

Ann Arbor Bamfers (9-4)
Boasting the lowest historical win percentage in Maize and Blue isn’t exactly a badge of honor — 63-105-1, 37.3% — but Bamfers were hampered by a three year stretch where they had a combined six wins total. Bamfers have not been terrible aside from those seasons, and have even appeared in the back-to-back playoffs in 2012 and 2013. But nobody except friends and family of Randy could have expected a franchise record 9-4 season last season and the Ann Arbor fan base remains optimistic but wary. Can Philip Rivers, Melvin Gordon, Frank Gore, Golden Tate, and Delanie Walker bring Bamfers to the playoffs once again?

Randy certainly seems to think so, as Bamfers look to be in win-now mode, taking Randall Cobb and DeSean Jackson with their first two picks, and (despite missing out on a third rounder) nabbed a defense and kicker in RD4&5. We like this push for respectability, as Bamfers are one of only two franchisse to have never won a division title — the other franchise is Italian Stallionz. Let’s hope later round picks Latavius Murray, Taylor Gabriel, Jeremy Hill, Charles Sims, and Allen Hurns can help Bamfers along as push for that elusive Big House banner, as they almost had one last year, but lost out on a divisional record tie-break.

MoRRie’s Pogiboys (9-4)
Our highest historical winning team also resides in this division, as Pogiboys have taken 66.9% of their games over the years. They’re officially back in championship form after a down 2014 and have added two more division titles to an awe inspiring total of ten! Of course, Pogiboys haven’t won a championship in all this time, despite all of their success. In fact, both of their Super Bowl appearances have resulted in blowouts and it’s got to infuriate Alvin that his team is perpetually just a hair away.

Some changes were made pre-draft, as Pogiboys acquired Matt Ryan, a now injured Cameron Meredith, and Doug Baldwin to bolster their keeper core. They’ll team with LeSean McCoy, DeAndre Hopkins, and Travis Kelce to get Alvin yet another shot at a title. Blake Bortles was last season’s Super Bowl starter for Pogiboys and while he was redrafted, he’ll be replaced at the helm by Ryan, who should be an upgrade. Working without a RD1 pick due to the McCoy trade, Alvin took back Duke Johnson, and then followed up with Jonathan Williams, Rishard Matthews, DeAndre Washington, rookies ArDarius Stewart, Gerald Everett, and Matt Breida. We’re not sure if that’ll all add up an elusive ring for Alvin but there’s no doubt Pogiboys will just keep on winning, and keep on hoping their luck extends all the way through to a parade. Just promise not to retire on top Alvin, we need you as commissioner extraordinaire!